16 days of activism: How Therapy Supports Domestic Abuse Survivors
The 25th of November marks the start of the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, an annual global campaign to raise awareness and advocate for the end to violence against women and girls. As someone who has supported survivors of domestic and sexual abuse for over 10 years, this period holds significant meaning for me, as it offers an opportunity to reflect on how gender-based violence impacts mental health. It also reminds me of the critical role therapy plays in supporting survivors, helping them process their trauma, reclaim their sense of agency and control, and work towards a future free from abuse.
Although the campaign focuses on women and girls, it's also important to recognise male survivors of domestic abuse. Male survivors often face unique barriers, including stigma and societal expectations, which can make it difficult for them to seek help. As a therapist, I’m committed to supporting all survivors of trauma, regardless of gender, and to creating a space where everyone feels safe to process their experiences and move forward in their healing journey.
Understanding the impact of trauma and trauma responses
Domestic abuse can profoundly impact our mental health, emotional wellbeing and relationships, leading to:
Persistent anxiety and hypervigilance;
Emotional disregulation;
Depression, suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms such as chronic pain and sleep disturbances;
Erosion of self-esteem and loss of one’s sense of identity;
Guilt and shame that distort self-worth, often internalised due to the abusive relationship;
Anger that may be suppressed and manifest as self-harm or disordered eating—both can be ways to cope with guilt, shame, control, or self-punishment.
PTSD, marked by re-experiencing traumatic events (e.g. flashbacks, night terrors), avoidance, and increased arousal. The body is alerted for an emergency that does not exist in the present;
Isolation, fear of intimacy, difficulties trusting others, reduced parenting capacity.
What are trauma responses?
Trauma responses are natural, protective reactions to overwhelming situations and are common among survivors. These responses often arise instinctively to shield us from harm, both emotionally and physically. In abusive situations, traditional responses like ‘fight or flight’ may not be feasible due to various barriers—such as financial constraints, fear of homelessness, the wellbeing of children, or the potential for the abuse to escalate. For many survivors, these limitations mean that alternative coping mechanisms, such as freezing or dissociating, become adaptive strategies for survival.
Freeze: Our body might close up, become rigid, and we won’t be able to move. This is our body’s way of immobilising itself in the hope of keeping the threat from noticing us when escaping or confronting the danger isn’t an option.
Flop: Dissociation and emotional numbness act as defense mechanisms that allow us to distance ourselves from overwhelming emotions and sensory input during abusive situations.
Friend/Fawn: Engaging in efforts to appease or placate the abuser to maintain safety and reduce the risk of harm, a response driven by our instinct to create a sense of security through compliance.
In the face of threat, our nervous system has to make these choices almost instantaneously. While you may not understand the choice, or agree with it afterward, it’s important to know that your body is taking care of you the best it knows how. Understanding these responses in therapy can help survivors release the shame they may carry for not resisting or escaping the abuse.
Therapy for domestic abuse
Experiences of domestic abuse will impact on one’s safety, trust, power, esteem and intimacy. As such, the aims of therapy are creating security, reconnecting to one’s self, reclaiming control and agency and fostering connection.
Creating Safety and Trust: The coercive nature of domestic abuse often makes it challenging for survivors to trust others. As a therapist, I will create a space where you feel secure, moving at a pace that feels comfortable and alternating between trauma work and highlighting the resilience and strengths that helped you survive. Your courage will be acknowledged and validated throughout the process.
Telling Your Story: As your therapist, I will create a supportive and empathetic space to help you share your traumatic experiences at a pace that feels right for you. We will focus on grounding techniques to ensure stability and security before exploring painful memories. This process of storytelling aids in making sense of your experiences, integrating memories, and making them less intrusive and more manageable. By fostering a safe and containing environment, I will help you reclaim your voice and bring memories under the control of your thinking brain, allowing reactions to become more understandable and manageable.
Validation and Normalisation of experience: As you share your story, I will support you to normalise your experiences. We will work to highlight that your coping mechanisms were valid attempts at survival, which helps shift self-blame and supports your understanding that you have the capacity to heal. Through this validation, we will foster self-compassion and reinforce the resilience that helped you endure.
4. Processing and Externalising Emotions: As your therapist, I will establish a secure, supportive therapeutic alliance where you can express feelings at your own pace. Survivors of domestic abuse often face a complex emotional landscape that includes anger, love, shame, guilt, and grief. Acknowledging and expressing these emotions is essential to healing and can be facilitated through various methods, including traditional talking therapy or creative approaches like letter writing and body work.
For many survivors of abuse, connecting with emotions may have previously felt overwhelming or unsafe, leading to dissociation as a survival mechanism. While initially adaptive, this response can hinder emotional processing when it persists over time. In therapy, we will work together to make expression feel manageable and safe, fostering desensitisation and integration of these emotions. This space will allow you to process and grieve the losses resulting from trauma, enabling a path toward healing and wholeness.
5. Challenging distorted beliefs: Survivors frequently carry misplaced guilt and face struggles with self-worth. As your therapist, I will support you to uncover and examine the negative self-perceptions that may have developed from past abuse. We will identify and challenge these beliefs, replacing them with more compassionate and truthful views of yourself. This process also involves placing responsibility back where it belongs—away from you and onto those who caused harm. Addressing feelings of guilt and self-blame is essential for building self-acceptance and self-worth, empowering you to reclaim your voice.
6. Developing new coping strategies: Since domestic abuse centers on power and control, this step is about reclaiming your autonomy. In therapy, I will support you in building tools that empower you to make choices rooted in self-awareness and strength, breaking away from old, unhealthy patterns established during the abusive relationship. Together, we will explore and develop new strategies for stress management, emotional regulation, relaxation, and desensitisation, as well as establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This process also involves fostering self-compassion, enabling you to respond to challenges with resilience and reinforcing your capacity for independent, empowered decision-making.
7. Reconnection: One of the main aims of therapy is to guide survivors toward reconnecting with themselves, others and the world in a meaningful way. Reconnection involves fostering relationships, engaging with life fully, and rediscovering personal values and interests that may have been overshadowed by trauma. To achieve this, we will work on building self-trust and confidence through consistent therapeutic support. We will also explore activities, relationships, and practices that inspire joy, safety, and fulfillment. This step helps reinforce your sense of identity and re-establishes connections that encourage resilience, empowerment, and a renewed sense of purpose.
No two experiences of abuse are the same, and as such therapy should be uniquely tailored to each individual. As a therapist, I adopt a collaborative approach, working alongside you to understand your specific needs, goals, and preferences.
Conclusion
Therapy can guide survivors of domestic abuse to understand their trauma, express difficult emotions, regain control, foster self-compassion and rebuild their sense of self. If you need support, please don't hesitate to reach out. Therapy provides a path forward, grounded in compassion and empowerment, and together we can work towards healing in a way that feels right for you.
