International men’s day: men, the forgotten victims of childhood sexual abuse
International Men’s Day, celebrated on November 19th, is a time to recognise the positive contributions of men to society, promote gender equality, and address issues affecting men’s wellbeing. This day provides an opportunity to highlight experiences often overlooked, including those of male victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).
In my work as a therapist, I have had the privilege of supporting men through their journeys of healing from sexual abuse trauma. Writing about this topic feels essential to me, as it underscores the importance of breaking the silence around male vulnerability and challenging the stereotypes that hinder their path to recovery.
male childhood sexual abuse
While research has predominantly focused on female victims of sexual abuse, there is little consensus regarding the prevalence of sexual abuse of men, with estimates suggesting that approximately 1 in 6 men are affected. However, male childhood sexual abuse is massively under-reported, with men much less likely to disclose or identify themselves as victims, taking them on average 26 years to do so.
Male survivors of CSA are at increased risk of depression, suicide, addiction, PTSD, anxiety and sexual offending behaviour. Despite this, male CSA is still overlooked, ignored, looked at as a joke - and as a result, male survivors rarely access the therapeutic support they need.
The CSA of male children is shrouded in myths built on gender stereotypes and mistaken assumptions about sexual orientation, among others. When —if— a male who has experienced CSA decides to seek counselling, he's usually had to address a number of internal and external barriers, many of which relate specifically to his gender.
BARRIERS FOR MALE SURVIVORS SEEKING HELP
Patriarchy and masculinity
As a society, we struggle to see men as victims. The word ‘victim’ has connotations of weakness and vulnerability, traits typically perceived as ‘feminine’. Men are often taught that aggressiveness, toughness and power are all things to aspire to, while being emotional, frail or needy are to be avoided.
Men seeking—or rather, not seeking—help is not unique to experiences of sexual violence. Men are generally less likely to seek medical attention, and suicide rates for men are three to five times higher than for women.
If society continues to ignore male survivors, how can we expect them to come forward? Disclosing abuse challenges the very norms men have been socialised to uphold.
Previous Experiences of Disclosure
For many male survivors, experiences of attempting to disclose their abuse as children have been met with disbelief or inaction. When a boy’s report is minimised or dismissed, it reinforces the notion that their suffering is either not valid or not severe enough to warrant attention. This early betrayal can cement feelings of isolation and mistrust, making future disclosures as adults even more difficult.
Sexuality, sexual orientation, shame and guilt
Experiencing sexual abuse as a boy can create persistent concerns about one’s sexuality, complicated by societal homophobia. Boys and men who have been abused may experience physical responses, such as an erection or ejaculation, which can lead to profound confusion, shame, and guilt. This response can create a false sense of complicity and responsibility, reinforcing silence.
For many, this is a significant source of shame. These feelings can prevent disclosure and create additional emotional barriers.
Boys who are abused might have felt conflicted, as the experience could include moments of feeling loved, wanted, or even rewarded with gifts and attention, further deepening the sense of guilt and perceived responsibility.
Some men may also experience intrusive thoughts about harming others, creating serious barriers to seeking help due to fear of judgment or rejection.
Female perpetrators
Social attitudes contribute to the perception that abuse by women against men is normative or less severe, which undermines the experiences of male survivors and invalidates their trauma.
Identity
Socially defined gender roles cast men as strong, tough, and self-sufficient, which can make male survivors feel that the abuse undermines their masculinity. Simultaneously, men may want to reject traditional norms if their abuser was male, creating internal conflict between feelings of powerlessness and their sense of what it means to be male.
The abuse represents a profound loss—of childhood, innocence, and safety—which can significantly impact how survivors perceive themselves, others, and the world around them.
Studies on male childhood sexual abuse (CSA) are limited, and there is even less research on how intersecting identities act as barriers to disclosure and support. For example, a gay Muslim man may face prohibitions from his religion, risk family rejection, or even physical harm, making disclosure an impossible choice.
Therapy for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse
In therapy, the themes we explore will be deeply personal and unique to your experiences. While the effects of childhood sexual abuse often involve common challenges—such as feelings of shame, anger, and profound loss—each survivor’s journey is different. The goals and focus of our work together will always be guided by you, ensuring that therapy is tailored to what you need most. The below are some of the topics that might emerge during our work together.
Addressing Shame
Shame is a profound and pervasive emotion for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. As a therapist, creating an environment of unconditional positive regard is essential. I help clients explore their feelings of shame by validating their experiences and emphasising that their responses were natural, given the circumstances. Through gentle, non-judgmental dialogue, I encourage clients to untangle feelings of guilt and self-blame, reinforcing that responsibility lies solely with the abuser. Psychoeducation about trauma responses, such as involuntary physical reactions, helps clients understand that these are normal physiological responses and do not indicate complicity. Building this understanding can gradually ease the weight of shame and open the door to self-compassion.
Working Through Anger and Aggression
Many male survivors externalise their pain through anger, aggression, or substance use, viewing these expressions as more socially acceptable than vulnerability. In therapy, I support clients in recognising the roots of their anger as stemming from trauma and powerlessness. I provide a safe space where they can express and process their anger without judgment, teaching healthy coping mechanisms and emotional regulation strategies. By reframing their understanding of anger and its origins, clients can learn to express their emotions in healthier ways and challenge the narrative that violence or aggression is the only way to reclaim their sense of control and masculinity.
Navigating Relationships and Trust
Trauma stemming from childhood abuse can disrupt the ability to form healthy relationships. Male survivors may struggle with intimacy, trust, or feel compelled to recreate dynamics from their trauma, whether as victims, perpetrators, or rescuers. In therapy, I help survivors address these relational patterns by fostering a strong, safe, and reliable therapeutic relationship. This relationship becomes a model for building trust and understanding boundaries. I help clients identify how their trauma impacts their interactions, from avoiding relationships to becoming trapped in abusive ones to testing boundaries or isolating themselves.
Processing Losses
The abuse that survivors experience often represents profound losses—of childhood, innocence, and safety—that can deeply affect how they perceive themselves, others, and the world around them. In therapy, I support clients process these losses by acknowledging the pain and grief that comes with them. Together, we explore how these early experiences shaped their sense of self and their relationships, allowing space to mourn what was lost.
Supporting Identity and Masculinity
For many male survivors, their sense of masculinity is inextricably tied to their trauma, leading to conflict over how they view themselves. Therapy provides a space where clients can explore their identities without the constraints of societal gender norms. I work with clients to understand that strength can coexist with vulnerability, reframing their experiences to foster a sense of empowerment and resilience. This work often involves exploring their beliefs about what being male means, unpacking how these beliefs were shaped by trauma, and helping them form a healthier, more authentic self-concept.
Addressing Sex and Intimacy
When working with male survivors, I approach discussions about sex and intimacy with sensitivity, allowing clients to set the pace and ensuring a safe environment. I validate the complex emotions, such as guilt or confusion, that may arise and help clients understand how trauma has influenced their current experiences. Through gentle psychoeducation and grounding techniques, I support clients in exploring their relationship with intimacy and in disentangling trauma from present sexual experiences, guiding them towards a healthier, more autonomous understanding of sexuality.
Conclusion
If you are a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I want you to know that you are not alone, and there is support available. In therapy, I will work with you to create a safe, non-judgmental space where we can explore the emotions, beliefs, and experiences that have shaped you. Whether it’s processing your trauma, improving your relationships, or redefining your sense of masculinity, I will be there to support you every step of the way. If you're ready to begin this journey, please do not hesitate to reach out.
